Motherhood: 4 Ways to Keep Yourself Grounded

Life as a Mama: The hardest, most rewarding job. Life as a working Mama: Even harder, and even more rewarding. The mom guilt we can experience is so real. It can cut so deep to the core of who we are and what we believe within a moment’s notice. I can honestly say, my Mom guilt has reared its ugly head more times than I can count. And I am also here to say, if you are experiencing Mom guilt: Mama, you are not alone AND it literally happens to all of us.

“I knew I always wanted to be a mom.”

I have always had a fondness for children and as the oldest of 3, I was always coined as “the mother hen.” From the moment I received the positive pregnancy test to 9 months later when I finally met my precious baby boy, I was enamored with mamahood and all its offerings.

Photo Credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

What I didn’t tell you in that last statement, was the anxiety I felt during my pregnancy and then again after birth of doing “all the right things.” Google and I were best buds in the worst of ways. 

"Not to mention, pregnancy AND birth DURING a global pandemic: Talk about the perfect storm."

The fear and uncertainty consuming our daily lives, plus bringing a new life into this crazy world, I was in a heightened state of awareness 24/7. My anxiety led me to believe that my precious little boy was going to get sick and ultimately die as a result of being in the care of others. I was so naïve to think that we would be cooped up in our little house for my 12 weeks of maternity leave (during the holidays), without visitors, including viruses. Interestingly enough, I thought that was just the new phase of life. But boy, was I wrong on so many levels.

Photo credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

As I mentioned earlier, I am a working mama, who travels for my job, so this also brings forth a whole new set of challenges. Although, let’s step back for a minute: I absolutely love my job. By utilizing my 15 years of experience, I get to guide teens and families into a robust continuum of care for mental health services across the country. I truly believe that I am called to do this work and be a beacon of hope to so many families. Talk about a difficult and rewarding experience.

“But it wasn’t until my first overnight trip away from my son, that I fully realized the unhealthy amount of anxiety I had been harboring.”

The number of times I received a call from my husband asking questions about where I put the formula, or the diapers, or just trying to connect with me on how hard it was to take care of the boys* by himself, was overwhelming and led me to tears each hangup. I felt like a raging ball of emotion. I felt like a failure. I felt like I should be at home with my family and not out here chasing my dreams. Pretty soon, those thoughts would snowball into “You’re a problem. You’re selfish. You’re burdening your family.” And I would have this knee jerk reaction to quit my job and book the next flight home. Thankfully, I have a direct and compassionate husband who can help me steer the ship back in the right direction.

“But friends, this conflicting cycle in my brain had been ongoing for the past 2 years.”

Finally, after fully listening to my therapist and practicing transparent communication with my husband, even while walking to my next meeting on the busy streets of Manhattan, I have a full understanding that we are on the same team and (I’ll say it louder for those in the back): I DON’T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING! Wow, that felt good (so good, that I deleted it and typed it again). And hey, this your cue that you don’t have to do everything either!

“Mamahood, parenthood, co-parenting, raising humans, however, you want to call it, is hard.”

Photo credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

We are raising tiny humans to be productive members of society. Let me add: Tiny humans with their own personalities who have their own wants, needs, and opinions. Society has put an undue amount of pressure on us, as Moms, to be all things and do all things, while also neglecting our own needs.

Let me tell you, during the 2 years of my son’s existence, I neglected my biological needs so much that I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. Like what? How does that even happen? Well, if you know, you know.

“We push through to feel like we are “showing up” for our kids, and yet the reality is, we are physically present, but we may not be fully mentally present.”

For me, I was in pain. I was irritable. I wasn’t eating regular meals. I had an unhealthy relationship with sugar and caffeine. Deep down, I knew there was an issue, but I told myself I didn’t have time to check into it. I had a child to raise, and I had work to get done. I did what society told me to do and I put my child first, even when my needs were screaming for my attention.

Fast forward to 6 months later, I have my autoimmune disorder under control (thank goodness), my relationship with my husband is at an all-time high, I have a balanced relationship with work, and my son has a secure relationship with both parents. Life is so good.

Photo Credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

So, you’re probably asking yourself, “Okay, that’s great things are going well for you. Congratulations. But what did you do and how can I get some of that?”

Well, first off, I had to acknowledge that I had an issue. I had to take accountability for my actions. Knowing my personality, I have a need to feel control. With the state of fear in our world coupled with my new parenting era, I felt so out of control that I tried to gain control where I could. This need for control ultimately led to more anxiety, regret, guilt, shame, and resentment.

1. I didn’t need to just ask for help. I needed to accept that I didn’t have to be in control 100% of the time.

   
   

I needed to ask for support from my spouse, my in-laws, my leader, and my team. I had to say “no” to some things in order to put my family first. I also needed to coach myself for those difficult conversations with my husband when his world was spiraling, and he needed someone to connect with. I needed to acknowledge that he wasn’t blaming me and that he didn’t need me to problem solve. He just wants to connect. He wants me to acknowledge that he’s having a difficult time. I don’t have to fix it. I just need to be present for him. He needs me to acknowledge that he is having a hard time. That’s it.

Photo Credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

2.  I needed to intentionally acknowledge MY needs.

   
   

Hopefully, you haven’t neglected your needs so much that now you have an autoimmune disorder, but if you have, welcome. We’re swimming in this fishbowl together and thankfully, it’s not the end of the world.

•  Physically, I need movement.

Whether it’s a leisurely walk with our fur child, or it’s a more intense run down by the river, I need to intentionally move my body each day.

•  Mentally, I need a slow-down period to my day.

This slow-down typically happens 30 minutes before I pick-up my son from daycare. I step away from my computer and I do some mindless tasks or I just sit and be still for a minute. Honestly, this is my favorite part of the day because I can transition from worker bee to Mama bear. And if I am on the road, you better believe I am making a mindless Target run and scheduling my favorite DoorDash meal. IYKYK.

• Emotionally, I need my therapist.

I value the weekly time with my therapist as we dive into the negative core beliefs that I have created for myself, as well as the connections from past aversive childhood experiences that have led their way into my current relationships. I didn’t know I needed her until I acknowledged that it is perfectly okay to be in the other chair.

• Spiritually, I need Jesus.

Each day, I thank God for the many blessings he has bestowed upon me. The blessing to be a wife, mother, leader, and child of God is truly unsurmountable. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to tell my story to help heal others. Found people, find people.

3.   I needed to give myself grace and self-compassion.

   
   

I am a recovering perfectionist. Anyone else resonate with that title? I say recovering because as we know, it’s a process. I struggle with giving myself the grace to mess up. I can walk families through the difficulty each day but acknowledging when I mess up. Absolutely not. The guilt and shame that comes with that, count me out. But let me tell you, when I do acknowledge that I am imperfect and I show up just a little bit for myself, I feel better. I feel more connected. More confident in my approach as a parent, spouse, and employee. Let me tell you, just a little bit of self-compassion goes such a long way. If you haven’t heard of Kristin Neff and you are willing to do self-compassion work, she is all the things. Google her now.

Mommy & her boys. <3

4. Lastly, I needed to restructure the way I approached my daily living by my own set of core values.

   
   

Now that I have you scratching your head (which is why I saved it for the end). You’re welcome. We all have our own set of core values, but have you delved into what those are for you and what they mean to you? It wasn’t until I intentionally mapped out my core values that my life outlook changed for the better.

“So, you’re now asking yourself, but how do I determine my core values?”

I recently listened to the “Good inside” podcast by Dr. Becky Kennedy, if you haven’t heard of her and you are a mom, you have got to check her out. During the episode, she talked about an incredible way to intentionally set your Core Values:

“Imagine you have $200, and you are hosting a dinner party. Tell me about your dinner party. Where is it? What time of day is it? How many people are you inviting? Who are you inviting? What food are you serving? Is there music? What type of music? Is there a theme? Is there conversation? Are people bringing their kids?”

I remember thinking about those questions and realizing so much about myself: I love small groups with deep and enriched conversation in the comfort of my own home. Comfortable clothing is a must. Heck, if you show up in your pajamas, I’m all in 100%! Coffee, hot tea, and finger foods. For conversation, if there are tears and laughter, you are in the right place.

In this new parenting era, society was pressuring me to disrupt my core. Telling me to keep up with everyone else. The shame of comparison. The pull to fit in vs. stand out. The need to feel accepted. 

I had to intentionally step into my core values and realize that keeping up with others wasn’t healthy for me. That when I feel the pull of comparison that I have to intentionally put down social media for days or weeks at a time. I need to focus on what is fostering this need for comparison and lean into the things to bring me true, enduring joy. Which is, showing up as my true authentic self with all my imperfections and quirky habits, which typically include a McDonalds large Coke and 90s Country music. What’s yours?

As Moms, we are overloaded with so many societal messages of what it means to be a “good Mom.” Let me tell you, Mamahood is what you make it.

Photo credit: Janie Mahoney Photography & Design

The most profound message I have received is this: “Their childhood is also your motherhood. Make it count.”

When I fully embraced that we never get these days back, I reframed my thinking and my parenting. I can still be a good Mom and not love EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of parenting. Just like, I can absolutely love my job and set healthy boundaries. Mamas, when we surround ourselves with others who give us the opportunity to show up vulnerably and without judgement, the true change can happen within us. Mama, I see you and believe me when I say it, I feel all the feels with you. We got this. <3

xo Ashley P